Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2002 -- 7:37 p.m.

Today was boring.

went to tutorial at 11-12.

came home, ate/puked.

went to english class 4-5.

came home, here I am.

I'm not seeing Craig tonigh. He's skiing or something, which is strange because there is absolutely no snow on the ground. I hope there's enough man-made snow for him to ski on. He's training for his trip to BC.

Last night, when I was over at Craig's, he said out of the blue, "you know, I'm shorter than the average man".

I don't know why he said this. It came out of nowhere. I was thinking to myself that I wish he hadn't said that.

Craig is 5'9, he says the average is 5'10.

The thing with me is that when I notice something or when someone mentions something negative about their appearance or personality, I focus on that one characteristic and it annoys me until I can't be around that person anymore.

One example is Gaylan. I spent a lot of time with him and it wasn't until my sister told me that he bragged too much that I noticed it, so much so that I couldn't stand to be around him after a while.

I suppose that I know that Craig's height won't bother me to the point of revulsion but it's just one more thing to add to things I don't like about him (Actually there aren't that many things at all.)

All the time before that I've dated someone, I started off really finding them attractive and then slowly becoming less and less attracted to them.

Thomas for example. I thought he was so hot at first, but as time passed I began thinking he was fat and I didn't like the way his features were put together.

Or Jun. At first I thought he was cute but eventually I found him to be short and muscle-less and flatfaced.

Or Louis. At first I thought he was goodlooking but eventually I found him muscle-less and I his features did not appeal to me.

I think it also had to do with their personalities. As I got to know them better, I liked their personalities less and thus I found them physically less attractive.

With Craig, I keep on expecting to find him less attractive but he's better looking now than he was when I met him.

I know that it helps that he sometimes listens to my suggestions about his appearance, for example, he grew his goatee and his hair and he dresses better than before. But I think that the main reason I still find him so attractive is because I love his personality so much. He's such a great guy.

Craig is having his parents over for dinner tomorrow. He asked me to come but I have class until 8pm. I don't think I'd want to go anyway. I'd feel really uncomfortable. I think my table manners are lacking, mainly because in my family we rarely eat together (maybe three times a year?) and I never really learned how to behave properly at the dinner table. Craig says his dad is a stickler for manners and I think I would be sorely lacking in that department.

I don't think I've mentioned how freakishly poor I am. I have 13 cents in the bank and I have $20 cash. I also owe about $400 on my mastercard.

I had to return my $113 textbook because I really really can't afford to spend that much money right now. I could just ask my parents for the money but i hate doing that, it's not like they're rolling in it either. They work very hard for their money and why should they have to totally support their deadbeat daughter (me).

I've been trying very hard not to eat out. I think i've been succeeding.

Craig's been paying when we've gone out ("The royal tenenbaums" at silver city, and cover at the drink).

I had to pay $110 to take my highway road test and to get my driver's license renewed. I passed that road test by the way, but please remember that I had to pay a wasted $75 the first time I took, and failed, that test.

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