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Saturday, Jan. 19, 2002 -- 11:57 p.m. I've been reading some diaries of people who have anorexia and its really bringing back memories. I think it's sad that anorexia is becoming a lifestyle choice rather than a disease. I think that the discrepancy in the distribution of food in the world is apalling. That some people have so much food that they want to try NOT to eat while others are dying because they can not GET enough to get... that's so sad. People die everyday of starvation, and I'm talking the kind of starvation that is not a choice. We, in the Western World, have so much food that we actually throw food out. Think of all the food that goes to waste. Restaurants throw food out all the time. When you don't finish your meal at a restaurant, they throw it out. In grocery stores tons of food is thrown out. Day old breads, past due chips/meat/frozen stuff/etc, dented cans, food with damaged packaging. And just in our homes. I know that in my house we often forget about those veggies hidden in the recesses of our fridge and it just goes to waste. It gets rotten and then thrown out. WASTE WASTE WASTE. Just look at what we're doing to our earth. I admit that I throw garbage out my car window sometimes because I figure I'll be dead before our pollution starts of effect our planet even more dangerously. I care, but still I think that it will not effect me and I pollute. When I throw some garbage on the ground does some garbage fairy make it disappear? Does it just go away? NO, it's still around adding to our already monolithic pile of waste that continues to grow with astonishing acceleration. We're running out of places to put our trash. There's been talk of buring it in the Canadian Shield for future generations to worry about. No, actually that wasn't just any old trash they were considering putting in there, it was Nuculear (or is it nuclear?) power thingys. blah. Anyway, back when I was in highschool and forcing myself to eat less and less, I remember being so afraid to leave my house. To go anyplace where I might be around food. I tried to never go to social things where there would be food and where it might look strange if I did not eat. Also, I did not want to face the temptation of all that wonderful food. I would stay at home and eat my "safe foods" (the same foods I would eat everyday) and then I would cook food for my family (to torture myself and just be with the food) and try to sleep as much as possible because if I was asleep I wasn't eating. And then I started binging. This was a very hard time in my life. I just could not stop eating. I had been starving my body for so long and finally my body protested by stuffing itself to the point of pain. I would eat so much that I would be in physical pain. I tried to throw up but it just wouldn't come out. I tried and tried and tried and when it wouldn't work I would try to sleep to get away from the pain. It hurt so bad. I felt like I was going to explode. Now, I often feel this way but I CAN throw up. While barfing has a lot of drawbacks (monetary cost, damage to body and teeth especially, time spent, hurt the family), it does have its advantages. When I go out with friends I CAN eat. Most of the things I do with my friends involve food. We go to restaurants or we got to each others houses and have snacks or we go to cafes or we go to movies and have popcorn and candy. I can eat the food that my boyfriend cooks me. I can eat thanksgiving and christmas dinners. I can do all these social things, although I do have to leave to throw up within a certain time period. We do not live in a world that readily accepts fat people. I do not want to be a jolly/perma-happy fat person. I do not want to be a "friend" to everyone. I do not want people to think that I have a "good personality". I want to be skinny and sexy and desirable. |
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