Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2002 -- 1:03 a.m.

Back on Track

I had a 8am class which I got to on time. I went to sleep as soon as I got home from Craig’s at 1:30am the night before, which I think contributed to me being able to get up.

I went to class, went home, went to my 1pm to 4pm class (which only lasted until 3pm), went home.

I watched tv and waited for Craig to call me. He finally did at 9pm, way later than usual. He said that he had been home since 7:30. He didn’t say why he hadn’t called earlier. I think it’s because he didn’t want to call so early that I could still come over. I didn’t really intend to go over anyway. He talked about going to Germany again. He’s going in December. It’s a long way to go but it’s still daunting knowing that he wants to go away, far away from me for at least a year.

We talked for about fifteen minutes or less and HE said he had to go first. I don’t know why he had to go because it was only 9:30ish and he said it just as I was about to say that I had to go because my cellphone battery was dying.

Is he getting tired of me? Of my dependence? Why do I always feel the need to spend as much time as possible with the person I like? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be the one who goes away for once? I’m always here waiting for him to come back. Waiting for him to call me.

I can’t get mad at him because none of this is his fault.

I’m the one who isn’t normal. I’m the one who plays games. I’m the one who pukes up all her food. I’m the one who can’t go anywhere for fear that I won’t be able to puke. I’m the one who can’t go anywhere because I’ve wasted all my money on food. I’m the one who doesn’t want to go out anywhere without him. It’s all me me me. I’m the crazy one, the neurotic one, the obsessive one, the (insert bad thing here) one.

He’s always so straightforward. He says what he means, means what he says. I, however, rarely say what I mean. I AM A LIAR.

I should just let him go so he can find a nice woman his own age, to marry and have kids with.

But what would I do without him? How could I live? How could I ever find anyone who “gets me” like he does? How could I ever find anyone as sexually compatible with me as he is?

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