Thursday, Jan. 10, 2002 -- 11:31 p.m.

Today was a throwaway day, meaning that I did very little allday, which seems to be the pattern lately.

I didn't have class until 6pm so I ate and puked from 11 until 5pm. I drove to the mall and I took the bus to my class. Why do I take the bus to class you ask? Well I could park at school because it's after 4pm and thus its free parking but the free parking parking lot is far away from my class. I walk less if I take the bus, even though it is hassleful.

I went to my class and I sat with Tim and Laura (friends from highschool). The class ended up going for only thirty minutes because it was the first day of that class. I think that it will be interesting. I had the same teacher last term and I got 86%.

After class, Roz and I took the bus to the mall to pick up my car and I drove her home. I then went to Criag's place where he was in the midst of taking a shower.

He came out of the shower with a towel around his waist and came to me in the kitchen. I love when he just takes a shower because he smells sooo good and looks so fresh and his hair looks so cute all messy-like. He started kissing me and then we got all hot and heavy. He tried to get my pants off but I kept on doing them up again.

We went to his bedroom and he got my shirt and bra off but I wouldn't let him take my pants off.

I gave him "oral pleasures" hehe, and just when he was about to cum he tried to pull me up and said he wanted to be inside me. I didn't say anything, I just pulled myself back down and kept doing my thing until he came. I then swallowed his cum (which i do not mind doing because it tastes fine).

After, he said that he wanted to return the favor and reached down to take my pants off, but I told him that I just got my period today (ARGH I HATE MY PERIOD!). We cuddled for a while but there was the knowledge that he had to pick up his brother at 8:30. He and his older brother are leaving tomorrow morning to go fishing for the weekend. Craig will be driving and his brother is sleeping over so that they can leave bright and early in the morning.

I started crying as we were cuddling. I turned my back to craig and he wrapped himself around me. I'm not quite sure why I cried. But I didn't let him see me cry.

I was thinking about a lot of things.... How long are we going to be together? I wish he had let me come over yesterday when I didn't have my period! ........ He can talk easily to many women and he could easily have a relationship with any other girl and it would be the same as with me....... He only likes me because I'm too young to want to get married or have kids........ I'm just like everyone else, I'm not special.......

Also, Craig has this picture on his desk of him and his ex-wife on their wedding day. It really didn't bother me before because I know that he was with her for around seven years and she was a big part of his life but now I wonder why he still has it. Is it to show me that what we have isn't like that, ie. it isn't long lasting, it won't lead to marriage. But I know Craig wouldn't do that and he isn't really thinking about how I respond to that picture he just keeps it as a memento of his past...

I asked him when he will be back from his fishing trip and he said Sunday night. I asked him if he will be back in time for dinner at the Keg and he said maybe. He wants to go but he's not sure he'll be back in time, so Maybe. I hate that word. I don't like to hope for something that won't come about. I know it's only a little thing but I don't want to think that he'll be there and then he doesn't. I don't like maybes.

So I spent less than an Hour there.

Sometimes I think that I like the pain in my heart that I get from thinking sad thoughts. It's like this wave of squeezing in my heart and stomach when I think of Craig and I not being together or me not being special or any other sad thought. If I don't think of these things, I don't feel the physical hurt but I force myself to think about it to hurt myself. Why do I like the pain?

What would I do without Craig? Not only do I love being with him because he so wonderful, I love being with him because it takes time. My life would be very boring without him using up so much of my time.

I feel so unmotivated to go out to bars/clubs or out to a movie or any other social activity. What else is there to do? I like inside stuff like watching a movie at someone's house but it's not often that other people want to do that, other than Criag that is.

All I really do is eat, puke, go on the internet and go to classes. What am I good for? What's my purposes?

I'm forcing myself to go out to Monopoly on saturday night with Roz and her friends and Chris. Is it bad that I consider the $5 to be beyond my reach? I spend too much money on food, but I won't stop because I am a SICK SICK individual. Bulimia is not just a part of my life. A part that will inevitably one day kill me but I can't imagine life without it.

It's not just the weight thing (though that is a HUGE contributing factor), it also takes up a large amount of time. I can spend hours just eating, throwing up and playing on the computer.

Chris called me out to go to the Barking Frog but I really didn't feel up to it. I rented movies from Jumbo and bought groceries from Price Chopper instead. We rented "Jury Duty" (pauly shore), "look who's talking" and "girls' just want to have fun" (sarah jessica parker, shanon doherty and helen hunt). I've seen all three movies before but I felt like a stupid/funny/brainless movie night (well afternoon actually because I intend to watch them tomorrow when i have no classes).

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