Monday, Mar. 11, 2002 -- 6:29 p.m.

Sometimes I hate my parents, usually my mom, so much that I wish them dead. It's a fleeting hate though, it never lasts long which is a shame in my opinion. The hate is so strong at the time that it is felt but it just does not last long, which means that nothing is ever changed.

When I hate her, I think about moving out and quitting school and getting a job to pay rent and all that kind of thing. But when the hate stops, I just go back doing what I always do. Kissing up to my mom so she doesn't get really mad when I binge and throw up. Living in her house so that I don't have to get a job and pay rent.

The hate usually has to do with my mom throwing out my food that I intended to binge on, and her yelling at me about being useless blah blah blah, or it involves my mom screaming at me because I came home late, and it included hitting me when I was younger (not that much younger though, last year).

Speaking of hitting, when I was younger, my mom used to hit my sister and I a lot. I think it stopped when I was 17, 18? I'm not sure when, it just got less and less. Anyway, my mom used to hit us with objects, like a fly swatter, or a tennis racket. We would have HUGE blue and black bruises and I even ran away from home once when I knew that she was going to hit me. I ran into the woods behind my house and then I went to a friends house for an hour and then I went home where my mom told me "if you had said sorry, than I wouldn't have hit you", I don't remember what it was about. She lied by the way, after that time I would tried to say sorry but she still hit me.

She used to hit us if we didn't practise enough or we didn't practise well enough or if we did badly in Kiwanis (a music competition). I remember this one time when my sister was about 8 I think, she was supposed to be practising but instead she was drawing and putting holes in the piano bench. My mom found the piano bench a mess and was really really mad, understandably so because those benches are leather and expensive. She started hitting my sister and then she forced her outside in the cold. My sister was crying and knocking on the door, it was cold outside and I don't think she was wearing socks, shoes or pants. I guess she really had to go pee because she ended up peeing in her underwear.

My sister and I had no lives because we would have to practise so much and my mom never let us go to friends houses to play. As I got older, I realized how twisted this was and I would talk to my mom about needing to have a life and not just always practising, of course my mom got mad at me for trying to have an intelligent conversation with her. My mom is still like this, but now it's about studying. She says that I can have a life after I'm done school but I really don't think it will ever end, there will always be something for my mom to inhibit my freedom for. First it was piano, now it's university, what's next? Work? Kids?

THis is why I tell my mom that I'm going to the library when I go out. I stay out until 3am (well not so much now because I don't like bars anymore and I have a boyfriend) and say I was at the library studying and it's ok. But if I stay out unil midnight and say I was at a friend's house, my mom goes balistic. There is a reason I lie about where I am when I go out. She is the reason why I don't tell her about my boyfriend, it's her own fault that I don't ever tell her the truth about anything.

She used to say that she wanted to be best friends with me and I would say ok but in my mind I knew that I would never want to be best friends with her. She made me this way. I am a product of her terrible parenting.

I have tried several times to sit down and have a reasonable talk with her but she is not reasonable. I have tried to tell her that I am 18,19,20,21 now and I should be allowed to hang out with my friends once and a while and I should be allowed to have a boyfriend. But really I should not be allowed to do anything, I should be at an age now that I don't have to ask permission for anything but unfortunately I live in her house, drive her car, use her money so It's not like I have a lot of rights here.

Dysfuntional? damn straight. Please learn something here and don't raise your kids like my mom raised my sister and I (my dad isn't really involved, he just works, eats and sleeps, usually a good guy).

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